As Master Yoda explained: “There is no such thing as TRY. There is only DO or NOT DO.”  To “try” and do something is to admit that you have already failed. You can’t try to pick up a coffee cup. You either pick it up or you don’t. And so it is with life. You either do things or you don’t. And it is our own choice to do or not do things in our lives. No one else. We are 100% responsible for all our choices. That includes our happiness.

But, you say: “People do things that make me sad or unhappy.” It is certainly true that peoples’ behavior can make us feel sad or unhappy. But no one does sad or unhappy “to” us. That would be confusing the behaviour with our response to it. Now, I am not suggesting that we should not become sad or unhappy as a result of someone else’s behaviour. What I am suggesting is that how, and to what extent, another person’s behaviour affects us is entirely up to us. No one else controls our reaction to another person’s behaviour. If we feel sad or unhappy it is not because someone has done something to us but rather because we have let them make us sad or unhappy. If you choose to “let” someone “make” you unhappy you are surrendering your power over to them – you are letting yourself remain a victim.

Now, you may become a victim as a result of someone else’s initial actions or behaviour. How long and to what extent you remain a victim is a choice – your choice. This may be a hard pill for many people to swallow. Many would rather blame their condition on someone else. They would rather stay where they are, even if they are in pain and hurting, than choose to be responsible and take action on their own to change the situation. This is not to say that actions to change would necessarily be easy or without discomfort. Often, they are far from either. But in taking action, in choosing, you are empowering and asserting yourself. So right now, you have a choice: will you see yourself as powerless – a victim; or will you see yourself as powerful and successful?  There is only DO or NOT DO! The choice is yours and yours alone.

I was reading Jian Shuo Wang’s (CEO at Baixing) post “Should I Follow Your Rules or Should You Follow Mine? on LinkedIn the other day. (The post can be found here.) The gist of the post was that he hired a contractor to do some masonry work and the contractor and he didn’t get along very well. He was on the verge of firing the contractor when a friend explained to him that the contractor’s behaviour was related to his need for some money. Mr. Wang gave the contractor a small amount of money and complimented him on his good work and the relationship immediately changed to a very good one and the project was completed to Mr. Wang’s satisfaction. Mr. Wang concludes that the contractor had one set of rules and he had another. It was only by adopting the contractor’s rules that would he get the service he wanted.

Let’s leave aside the ethical aspects of paying bribes or extra money to get done what you have already agreed a price for. That is a whole other issue which I could write several books on! Let‘s instead focus on how Mr. Wang arrived at the problem in the first place. Mr. Wang assumed that the contractor’s world view was the same as his and thus the rule set would be the same. Some well-placed, and well-chosen questions during the process of hiring this contractor could have avoided this situation and indicated what the contractor’s expectations were. At the same time Mr. Wang could have made clear what his expectations were. Learning to ask the right questions, and more importantly understand the answers one receives, is perhaps the most fundamental part of interpersonal communications. Becoming skilled at doing so allows one to avoid the uncomfortable position of either your rules or my rules and arrive at a set of mutually agreed rules. It only takes one person to start this process – why not make it you.