MANY YEARS AGO I was in a suq in the Middle East when I came across this very interesting bottle. It was very dusty and I couldn’t really tell what colour it was so I started to rub it to get the dust off. There was a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and there standing on the bottle was a small, attractive lady Genie.

I was astonished and quite speechless. Hands on hips the little Genie stared at me with piercing black eyes, “What’s the matter sailor, cat got your tongue; come on you know what to do now with me!” I glanced around furtively to see if anyone was taking any notice of me staring at a diminutive figure on the top of the bottle I was holding in my shaking hands. No one was paying the least amount of attention to me. Being a sailor, I knew exactly what to do with the little lady and the bottle. I stuffed her in my pocket, paid for the bottle and rushed off to find a quiet spot to claim my prize! 

I picked a little coffee house where there was only one elderly man dozing at a table out front and a waiter sitting on a stool reading a newspaper. I settled into a secluded table, placed the bottle on the table and ordered a cup of chai. After my chai had been delivered and the waiter retreated to his stool and newspaper, I fished the little lady out of my pocket and placed her on the table. Kicking, squirming, and picking pocket lint from her eyebrows she hollered at me, “You son of a diseased sea dog, is that any way to treat a lady that you expect favours from? May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your ears for eternity!”

She then sniffed the air and exclaimed, “That chai smells wonderful, I haven’t had any for at least two hundred years. I must have some; upon which she climbed up on the cup and cupped her hands into my chai to drink. She promptly fell off the cup screaming more curses about camels and fleas infesting bodily areas, how hot the chai was, and that I should have warned her.

I was more than a little nervous as I looked around to see if anyone had taken notice of the commotion. The man out front was still dozing comfortably, the waiter still engrossed in his newspaper. Amazing I thought, as the noise this little Genie had just made was, in my estimation, the equivalent of a heavy metal band.

Blowing on her hands the Genie fixed me again with that piercing stare. “WELL,” she said, in that manner which all men know coming from a woman means you are in serious doodoo. Without a pause she continued, “You want your three wishes don’t you!” I started to answer that I did, but with one hand on her tiny hip and a defiant finger pointed at me she uttered a crushing, “SILENCE.” Nervously I glance around. “Don’t worry you big ape, no one can hear or see me but you,” she hissed. That was small consolation I thought. Now I would merely look like a nut case talking to a bottle and some chai.

“Now, then the Genie said, “I need to explain the rules to you.” Rules I sputtered. What do you mean rules, I rubbed the bottle, I found you, and I get my three wishes. The Genie was amazingly silent. She stood there looking at her fingernails. “That hot chai ruined my nail job,” she mused. Then she looked at me demurely, batted her long eyelashes, and in sexy, soft, silky voice that would have tamed a wild lion purred, “I believe I have something you want, correct?” I had to agree she certainly did. “Well then Bubba,” she said more matter of factly, “put some of that chai in your spoon so I can drink it and we will discuss how this is going to go down.

I did as she wanted. With me sipping out of the cup and the Genie sipping out of the spoon she explained how things would work.  The Genie told me that she had been in the business of granting wishes for a very long time. And over that time the vast majority of those that found her and were granted wishes were men. It was always the same thing, she explained; they wanted more sex, more money, more fame, eternal life; they never thought of anyone but themselves.

She had tired, she said, of granting those kinds of wishes so she had petitioned the Grand Pooba of Genies for a change to her wish granting charter. It was simple: all the wishes she granted would have to be for someone else and at least one would have to be for a woman. The Grand Pooba thought this was quite an idea and duly amended her wish granting charter. That was the deal my diminutive Genie said with a great big grin on her face. Take it or leave it.

I could see the merit in having the wishes granted to somebody else. But as I didn’t have anyone at the time that was in desperate need of having a wish fulfilled, I asked if there was any possibility of having them deferred until I did? My little Genie was silent.

I began to worry. Then, she exclaimed, “I will leave the bottle with you. I will charge it with three blank wishes for your use. When you want to use them, just rub the bottle until it turns clear then think of your wish. Be warned. If you use any of the wishes for yourself, you will be turned into a wart on the back of a frog that has been stepped on by a flea-infested camel. The same if at least one of the wishes isn’t used for a woman. Do you agree to that?” I readily agreed. With that she touched the bottle turning it a brilliant green colour and then in a flash and a puff of smoke vanished.

I never saw her again and used the wishes as she required.

We all have three wishes that we can use. What are you using yours for?

A young man went to his grandfather for advice. The grandfather puffed on his pipe and listened as the young man described how hard and difficult his life was.  Nothing seemed to be going well for him. As hard as he tried, as soon as he solved one of his life’s problem another one would immediately rise up.  The young man told his grandfather he was tired of struggling and was at his wits ends.  “Grandfather,” he cried, ” I don’t know what I can do.”  The grandfather merely arose from where he sat and beckoned the young man to follow him.  The young man’s spirits lifted immediately. His grandfather was a wise old man. Surely he was going to help him.

The Grandfather led the young man into the kitchen where he instructed him to get three pots, fill them with water and place them on the stove to boil. The young man was puzzled but he did as his Grandfather asked.  The Grandfather then instructed the young man to get a carrot and place it in one pot, an egg in another, and coffee beans in the last pot.  The young man was even more perplexed. His grandfather was an excellent cook and this was nothing of the sort of meal he would normally prepare. When the young man had done as his grandfather had instructed, his grandfather turned to him, pointing at a kitchen chair saying, Now, please sit and watch.” Now even more perplexed than ever and beginning to become a bit angry at his grandfather the young man sat as directed crying out, ” But Grandfather, what am I watching for and I thought you were going to help me with my problems.”  The grandfather merely put a fingers to  his lips. “Shssss, just watch,” was all he said.

The young man sat on the chair in silence and began to boil like the water in the pots, while his grandfather sat on another chair, closed his eyes and puffed on his pipe. After about twenty minutes the grandfather opened his eyes, put out his pipe and asked the young man to get out two bowls and a mug, to place the carrot in one bowl, the egg in another and to pour the coffee into the mug. When the young man had done this he turned to speak to his grandfather, but the grandfather spoke first, “Now, what do you see?” he enquired.

“Why I see a cooked carrot,  a hard-boiled egg, and a mug of black coffee, of course ” replied the young man, and then somewhat indignantly, ” This is not helping me with my problems at all grandfather!”

Grandfather nodded wisely. “Feel the carrots, then peel the egg and feel it, and taste the coffee, he said softly, “And then tell me what you notice.” The young man did as his grandfather wished.,” The carrots are soft, the egg is hard and the coffee tastes wonderful but,” he started to say  ” I really don’t see how. . .”  His Grandfather cut him off. “Exactly,” he exclaimed raising his right hand with his index finger pointing skyward. “Each of these three things faced the same adversity – the boiling water. The carrot went in strong and hard and unrelenting but after being in the water softened and became weaker. The egg had been fragile, easily broken, with its thin shell protecting its liquid interior.  After being in the water the shell was the same but no longer needed, the egg was hard.  The coffee beans were different. After being in the water – they had changed the water!”

Now my young grandson,” asked the grandfather. Are you the Carrot, the Egg or the Coffee Beans. Are you the Carrot that seems strong but with pain and adversity wilts, becoming soft and losing your strength?  Or, are you the Egg that starts with a hard skin, soft and malleable heart but after pain and adversity has a shell that still looks the same but a hardened heart on the inside.  Or, are you the Coffee Beans that actually change the water, the very circumstance that brings them such hardship. If you are like the beans when things are at their worst, when the hours are darkest, and your trials are greatest you get better and change the situation around you. If you are like the beans when the water of your life gets hot it will release the fragrance and flavour of your life. 

“Grandson,” he asked, How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by it and your surroundings, or do you bring life and flavour to them?

“Are you the Carrot, the Egg, or the Coffee Beans?”

The Cloudy Crystal Ball Blunder

Part 3 three discussed how the RAS works and how it can either help or hinder us in achieving our resolutions. This showed that it was  far better to have one resolution to focus on rather than having a “laundry list” of New Year’s Resolutions. 

The second Big Blunder that people make with the New Year’s resolutions is that they are far too vague. The top 10 most common resolutions are:

• Exercise more
• Lose weight
• Get organized
• Learn a new skill or hobby
• Live life to the fullest
• Save more money / spend less money
• Quit smoking
• Spend more time with family and friends
• Travel more
• Read more

They are all pretty vague aren’t they! Take number 4 on the list for example – learn a new skill or hobby. Exactly what does that mean?  Are a skill and hobby the same thing or are they different. How about the last one – Read more.  Read more of what – books, newspapers, tweets, cereal boxes?

Let’s look at an example. Suppose you want some new clothes and go into a clothing store. The salesclerk asks if they can help you. You answer yes – I want to buy some clothes. The clerk is likely to roll their eyes at you – what do you want? Pants sweaters, shirts, underwear, socks, shoes? The clerk isn’t going to be able to help you much if you are this vague. You may walk out of the store without buying anything or you may actually purchase something. But is it what you actually needed or wanted?

Vague resolutions are like this and your RAS is like the salesclerk. It will try and help you to the best of what it thinks you want. So, unless you are more specific in your resolution how can you expect your RAS, which attempts to match specific patterns to help you achieve your goal, really be able to help you? The upshot of it is that it won’t.

Now there are certainly times when you actually just want to browse around and see what is out there and you might end up buying something. (Impulse buying is a big problem for a lot of people and how to get a grip on it will be the topic of another blog.) However, if you are actually serious about getting new clothing, it is far better to walk into store and say to the clerk I am looking for sweaters, my size is medium, and I would prefer them to be made out of wool and my favorite colours are blue and brown. Now you have programmed the salesclerk to look for things on your behalf. The clerk will take you to exactly the right section and show you what you want to look at.  And if they don’t have exactly what you are looking for the clerk has enough information to show you alternatives that might fit your needs.

This is exactly what you want to do with your resolutions for your RAS.

Solution

There is nothing wrong with any of the resolutions on the above list if you use them as a starting point and not the end product. However, if you want results you need to make your resolutions clear, precise and specific. The best way to do this is to use the S.M.A.R.T.  goal planning process to make your goals clear and precise.

The acronym S.M.A.R.T stands for Specific, Measureable, Achievable, Realistic, Timed.

Let’s take the second one on the list above – Lose Weight. Obviously, on reflection it is way too vague to be of any value. Let’s use the S.M.A.R.T. process to craft a better resolution

In addition to this being way too vague, it is a terrible way to phrase it as it is programming your unconscious mind in way you don’t want. Hint –  if you lose your car keys what do you want to do? You want to find them of course. So, if you tell your unconscious mind you want to “lose” weight, then, when you do lose it, you are also telling your unconscious mind you want to “find” it again. Is that what you really want to do?  No wonder so many people find themselves on the diet roller coaster. What other ways can you express your desire to change your weight that doesn’t programme your unconscious mind to do something you really don’t want? 

Specific

The more specific the better. How much weight, 10lbs, 100 lbs?

Measureable

The amount of weight change you are looking for is certainly measurable. All you have to do is jump on the scale.

Achievable

If you said that you wanted to drop 100lbs by the end of the week it might not be either achievable or realistic.  If, on the other hand, you said you were going to drop 2 lbs a month that might be completely realistic and achievable

Realistic

Is it realistic to expect that you can do what you say you want to do? For example dropping 2 lbs this month may be achievable but not realistic if you are going to try and do it in the Christmas season when you know you are going to a lot of parties! Or it may be achievable to drop a certain amount of weight but not realistic because of other health issues. Make sure you are not putting in excuses for not doing something here!

Timed

A goal without a deadline is useless. You can always keep putting it off. Putting a time line to your goals makes you accountable for achieving them. It also gives you a sense of purpose and an end point to aim for. And when you achieve them, it gives you a sense of accomplishment.

What date do you want to reach your new weight? Be specific. Saying: “I will be at my new weight by the end of the year is still too vague.”  Saying: “I will be at my new weight on 25^th December,  2023,” is much better.  Your timeline also needs to be achievable, realistic and measurable.

The Final Product

You written goal may now look something like this.

I will drop my weight 2 lbs a month, for a total of 24 lbs, to be at my desired weight on 31 Dec 2016.

Part 5 will reveal Big Blunder #3

The Laundry List Blunder

In Part 2 we saw that the RAS is a part of the brain that acts as a pattern recognition system and filter, only allowing through to the conscious mind those things that it deems important.  We also saw that, unlike our reptilian ancestors, whose RAS was predominantly hard wired to respond only to a certain set of patterns, humans have the ability to “program” their RAS to a wider set of patterns. This programming is an imaginative function and depends upon what we choose to focus on. This gives us the method by which we can program our RAS to be more help to us in achieving our New Year’s resolutions.

The first Big Blunder most people make with their New Year’s Resolutions is that they create a laundry or shopping list of all the things they think they would like to accomplish over the next year. Creating a long list of resolutions sends a confusing message to the unconscious mind and affects how you are programing your RAS. What actually is the most important item on your list? Is it the first item? If you focus on the first item on the list, you will program your RAS to look for things that match that. When you switch your focus to the ninth item on the list you will then program your RAS to look for things that match that and stop looking for things that match the first item you focused on.

If your focus bounces around frequently it is quite likely you will not be effectively programing your RAS and it will not devote any resources to looking for things that can help you with them. In fact, your RAS will likely be programmed to ignore those things and focus on other things it “thinks” are more important to you. Exactly what you are programming your RAS to “think” is more important than your resolutions may not be immediately obvious as it the product of your internal “self-talk” which you are not consciously aware of. This process of programing, through internal self-talk that we are not aware, of can often be described as self-sabotage.

There is another problem with having a long list of New Year’s resolutions. The unconscious mind/RAS will only devote resources to the top three or four items on your list. If your New Year’s Resolution list is the only list operating in your unconscious mind, then there would not be a problem. However, you have a whole lot of other lists about things that are important to you such as life, health, family, work or business and a host of others. You have built up these lists unconsciously and the unconscious mind and your RAS are devoting resources to help you attain what you have unconsciously programmed as your wants and needs.

So, assuming that you have unconsciously programmed your RAS with other items as well, what is the chance that any of your New Year’s Resolutions are in the unconscious mind’s top three or four? A laundry list of New Year’s resolutions without focus or skipping around your list of resolutions almost certainly guarantees that your unconscious mind/RAS won’t be paying any attention to them on your behalf.

The solution for this blunder is simple.

First. Ditch your laundry list of resolutions. Ask yourself which one of your resolutions, which if you achieved it over the next year, would have the biggest positive impact on your life.  Write that one down in BIG BOLD LETTERS and put it somewhere where you can see it and other people can see it! This doesn’t mean that the other things on your old list weren’t important. Most certainly they are. It is just a recognition that you can’t work on everything at once and that you will get to them in due course.

Second. Take a couple of minutes quiet time to reflect on your one big resolution, what it means to you and what it will be like when you have achieved it. Ask yourself what you will be doing, seeing hearing and feeling that is different when you have achieved your goal. This is you actively programming your RAS with the importance and details of your resolution. You may need to repeat this programming from time to time.

Next Part 4 – Big Blunder 2

The Big New Year’s Resolution Fail

The concept of making resolutions at the beginning of a new year dates back several thousand years. The ancient Babylonians made promises to their gods at the start of each year to return borrowed objects and pay their debts. The Romans started each year by making promises to the god Janus. In the Medieval period, typically during the last feast of the Christmas week, Knights took the “peacock vow”, recommitting themselves to the ideals of chivalry for the next twelve months. In many different Christian traditions, the watch night service, held late on New Year’s Eve provides an opportunity for people to review the year that has passed and make preparations for the new year by praying and making resolutions. And of course, many of us make New Year’s Resolutions on our own every year.

So, it is quite popular to make resolutions at the start of the New Year for things we want to change in our life.  Did you make New Year’s Resolutions this year? You might have even made a list of them. Did your list look something like the picture? How are you doing on your resolutions?

According to the Statistic Brain Research Institute only 8% of people are successful in achieving their resolutions. It also shows that 49% have infrequent success, and 24% never succeed and have failed on every resolution every year. This means that a whole lot of people almost never succeed in achieving their resolutions! So, if you are not doing so well on your resolutions – you are not alone!

Seeing as so many people have trouble achieving their resolutions, what can be done to improve their chances? Part II will explore how the brain works to help or hinder you in achieving your resolutions.